Jaani Dushman: Kuch Zyaada Hi Anokhi Kahani

There are phases in one's life when you feel like you have answers to anything that life throws at you. However, those are inevitably followed by phases when you are innundated with questions, horrible questions without answers. I experienced such a transformation just yesterday, while watching Rajkumar Kohli's incomparable "Jaani Dushman: Ek Anokhi Kahani". In a space of 3 (interminable) hours, my life has become a cacaphony of nails scratching chalkboards, self-doubt, and looking over my shoulder every ten seconds (as opposed to the every 30 seconds that is the norm when I visit SI's swimsuit calendar site at work). What could be so bad, you say? Well then, go watch the movie and tell me how can you live with the following unanswered questions? GOD, TELL ME HOW ?!?!?!!!

• Why does Manisha Koirala (Divya aka Vasundhara) have a shower with her roomate, even though they live in a room with an attached bathroom?


• What does Rajkumar Kohli know about Bollywood actors that we don't? Alternately, does he run a reverse casting couch where he seduces actors with his "jawaan jism" so that they will act in his movies? How else could Sunny Deol, Raj Babbar, Manisha Koirala, Sunieeeel Shetty, Akshay Kumar, Aftab Sivdasani (pause for breath), Arshad Warsi, Aditya PanScholi (pause for vomit), Rajat Bedi, Amrish Puri, Sharad Kapur, Aman Varma, Kiran Kumar, Atul Agnihotri (pause for "who the f#$! is that?"), Raza Murad, Shabaaz Khan agree to act in this movie? I almost forgot - the movie even has the-actor-who-played-that-cop-that-loved-Kajol-in-Baazigar!


• How does Armaan Kohli's (who is HOTTT beyond words) Ichhadhaari Naag character pull a bike out of his ass (literally) AND start it in mid-air? I know that snakes swallow some big shit when hungry, but this is just mind-boggling (and I'm not even going to ask how the bike goes back in).


• Why don't more people carry around bazookas in their sabzi ka thaila like Akshay Kumar? After all, you never know when Aman Varma is going to jump (float? stretch?) out of the TV and proceed to kick your ass. You can't always depend on Raj Babbar providing you with a multi-religion taveez(es).


• Was Siddharth feeling tingly in his pants when the Naag was smooching him?


• Why isn't the line "Sabki izzat rakhenge to lootenge kiski?" used more often by defense lawyers of alleged rapists?
  
• Why is the MSFT stock down since 2002? Everyone know how much cash the royalities for using the Windows Media Player visualization for the stunning backdrops of movie's songs generates. This is a clear example of the anti-MSFT bias among the analyst community.
  
• Where can I buy the concrete that was used to make the wall that Sunny Deol's character tried to hump unsuccessfully?


• When people are stressed out, why do they drink? Why can't they instead follow Sonu Nigam's lead and do a badly edited jump from a stressful situation into a live performance of "Javed Bhai So Reyle" (which incidentally starts off looking like the Billie Jean video)?


• Why didn't T-1000 try to kill John Connor by weaving an elaborate plot that involves 1) getting into his body as an aatma, 2) forcing him to kill someone in public, 3) getting him out on bail, 4) getting him the best laywer in town, 5) and then taking form as a key witness and finally lying to get him hung? The Ichhadhaari Naag can do anything the T-1000 can do (plus whatever Neo can), but he still chose to kill Aftab like a real-man - in a court of law, not through bone crushing violence.


• Tum jallaad hokar isss nazuuk kalli ko kaise choo sakte ho? (No really, that's a question).


• Why aren't more doctors consoling families of comma (yes, its spelled correctly) patients by telling them "God is Great"?

Clearly, Paul McCartney wrote "Yesterday" after he saw Jaani Dushman (and I always thought it was about love! Silly little boy). How could I have been so innocent about the intricacies of life? After seeing how little I understand, I'm tempted to end this sham of a life (probably by jumping onto a semi-sharp rock protrusion in a cave with mood-lighting). Please pray for me.

An encounter with a Badmaksh behemoth

This post is long overdue - earlier this year, two of the Badmaksh trinity - Arka and Kunal, decided to visit Mr. Nagrath. Who is Mr. Nagrath? Well, at this point I think our regular reader (yes, the omission of the 's' at the end is intentional) can have one of the following responses:

1) I don't really believe in deifying any one particular Badmaksh actor. Anyone who has been in a Badmaksh movie is equally worthy of worship (yes, even the guy who makes the strange noise when Mandeep rudely pushes him away at the start of "Raat Ki Baat"). So yeah, I don't care who Nagrath is - I prefer Buffet to A La Carte.

2) How dare you ask me this question! Of course, I know our defacto badmaksh commissioner-ji - I even dream of him sometimes at night (weirdly, i wake up with a damp feeling the next morning, but never mind that).

3) Dude, I don't know who Nagrath is - probably some useless badmaksh guy that you idiots keep praising - get a life!

If your response is choice 1, to each his own.
If your response is choice 2, you should be writing this blog, not me (i only dream of Nagrath).
If your response is choice 3, well ... please save whatever's left of your hitherto sad existence and read the rest of this blog before you die of badmakshorance (ignorance of all that is Badmaksh). Just yesterday I read a news report of 10 people dying with symptoms that sounded suspiciously like Badmakshorance (of course, it goes without saying that they were suffering from Type 2).

Anyway, when our two founding Badmakshers met after ages, they didn't hug, or reminisce about the memories - they created a new one! It seems that Nagrath runs a consultancy company that handles disputes in the film industry. I'm sure his stately presence and unflappable temprament as commish in movies (which us ignoramuses confused for the normal behavior of a person with negative IQ), certainly helps. Plus, the man has acted in 600+ movies! I mean, watching 1 badmaksh movie changed our lives - just imagine what this man must have undergone! Let's just say it would be similar to what a Maharishi, who having done tapasya for 50 years sees an Apsara bathing near him, experiences.

In any case, look at the pictures from his office below - don't miss the pictures with two more of our badmaskh superstars - Dharam paaji and Takti Kapoor.

And for those who think that Badmaksh movies are just a "construct" and not a real phenomenon - please read the banner in his office (picture below) ... I can't say it any better than "The One Man" himself does. Don't miss the "?" at the end of the bullet no. 2.

An Ode to the Badmaksh Gods

It all started one day in Cal,
'Twas me, Arka and Kunal,
Driving down the street they called University,
Oblivious to the joys of cinema not so pretty

Who knew that shortly we would swoon,
On learning the philosophy of Bhuria and Varun!
Alas that I can never explain to my wife,
Dheer's time travel in Khanjar the Knife.

In Prem Agan, Raj Babbar kissed the body of his son Fardeen,
And a creepy Feroz Khan rapped away to glory - Oh what a scene!
Still, nothing compares to the moment we became aware,
That Dharam paaji was stone drunk when he shot Bhooka Sher.

Of course, life turned brighter and a lot more fun,
When Sheru kicked the hero's ass in Badmaash No. 1,
Banke Bihari and Sikandar tried to get into every village belle's frock,
But Thaarty Days had much more, even a woolly mammoth's hand's stuckcock!

On the way there were loads of laughter, bonds of friendship, all that raazmataaz,
Others call us crazy, of course they will - they haven't seen Jaalsaaz!
I often wonder why it was us who were chosen to see the light,
Then I remember Bombay Girls, Jaani Dushman, and just say a grateful prayer every night

30 Days - The Biggest Crime Thriller

Before I start the review, you should be aware of something very important that affects your lives without your knowledge. Every year, right around the time you are ogling at the bevy of beauties participating at the Miss India contest, there is an equally important contest - Mr. Badmaksh. Like the Miss India contest, it has many sub-contests like Mr. Ugly, Mr. Horrible Actor, Mr. Depraved Look, Mr. Taekwando, Mr. What-a-personality etc. etc. While some subcontests are more important than the others, the ultimate winner embodies most of the qualities required to be a Badmaksh superstar. The winner joins an impressive fraternity of Badmaksh stars - Rajat Bedi, Suniel Shetty and Shiva to name a few. He is also offered tons of Bhookha Sher T-shirts as payment for acting in the next big banner Badmaksh movie.

Do I hear you sniggering? If you think that I am making this up, and that there is no such contest, I challenge you to explain how else the producers of Thirty Days could find a lead who is Badmaksh is almost every possible way. Of course, you might say - he could have slept with the producers of the movie to land this role. Fair enough, I want you to see this movie, and then come back to me with one non-Gorilla person who would be willing to sleep with Jai Kishan.

On to the review. While there is considerable debate about the genre that Jaalsaaz belongs to (see review below), there is no such confusion over Thaaaty days. It is clearly a horror-mystery-romance-college student fun-movie.

Thaaaaty days is movie-making at its best - it establishes clear themes at the start with the help of creative-plot devices which allow the emotions of the viewer to be controlled very easily. Let us examine some important themes (purely with the intention of learning how to become accomplished film-makers ourselves).

The terror within: A gang of college friends arrives at a holiday cottage at some remote corner of our great country. They are received by Raamu Kaka (caretaker) and Bhola Kaka (gardener and cook). Raamu kaka seems like a mellow guy, while Bhola definitely looks like he could use a trip to the local shrink. Right from the start, the viewers are made nervous through Bhola's omenous warnings about the gang never returning back home, only to be hastily explained by other members of the cottage caretaking community. Lo and behold, as soon as it becomes dark, the local ghost comes by, singing a song which sounds like it has been remixed! If you thought that wasn't scary enough, wait till you see what happens to any girl that tries to follow this melodious ghost! Yes ... you've guessed it right ... she is ambushed by a woolly mammoth's hand's stunt double (so named because we could not see any other part of this creature's body)!!! I won't be offended if you are too scared to continue - it happens to the best of us. The intrigue is increased by Bhola kaaka's strange facial contortions at each appearance of the ghost. Does he know anything? Why does he use his shears so suggestively? Was he circumcized at birth (or worse, castrated?)? Why does the normally mellow Raamu kaaka (supposedly the father of the girl whose ghost we are seeing) start laughing with an unhealthy dose of madness and shout "aaj woh zaroor kissi ko le ke jayegi" again and again? Does he know something? Why is there always an ugly girl shown bathing (in a bathtub, full of what can be best described as phenyl) before every ghostly appearance? Why do the guys of the college group grope each other in fear at the first sound of the ghost's song? How the hell did Venkatesh Prasad become a coach? The answers to these questions are not easy, nor are they provided to us immediately.

The Milind Gunaji Intrigue: Milind Gunaji's Robert character is central to the plot, and the film-makers waste no time in making us wonder who he is. Robert is mysteriously present at all kidnapping scenes in the movie, which no doubt points to the possibility that he knows more than he pretends. He claims to be a writer researching ghosts, but obviously that's a front for something more diabolical. He can dodge bullets shot at his back by hearing the gun shot and avoiding the approaching bullet (theoretically impossible, as a bullet travels close to the speed of sound when fired - but when you have drunk brigadiers kicking away grenades and grabbing bullets, surely this is passe'). Our intrigue knows no bounds when he presides over a meeting of individuals whose uniforms consists of, among other thing, prominent top hats. We are further surprised when Robert agrees to Raamu kaaka's request that he come and live with the college students by saying "Haan, tumhare saath timepass ho jayega". Who are the people in the hats? And how come Robert vanishes from plain sight at exactly the same time as the ghost? Is he also a ghost? Where exactly did Waqar Younis and Ramiz Raja learn to pronounce? Again, we are left on the edge of our seats as we look for answers.

The Banke Bihari-Sikandar Nexus: The movie-makers must have taken offense to our Bhookha Sher entry (where we called Vijay the worst lead hero ever seen), for they have gone and made the same actor play the bloodthirsty rapist, Sikandar. He is in cohorts with Banke Bihari (the local politician), who has a very psychological strategy for overpowering women that he wants to rape. He brings them to his house on some pretext, and then tries to have his way with them. When they resist (and they always do, coz he's no John Abraham), he chases after them through his living room. Whenever they run out of the room into another room, he is nowhere to be seen. It's because of his unfit and obese condition right?? WRONG! He is merely playing with his victim's mind, because his apparent failure to chase them leads them to believe that they are safe. As soon as they let their guard down, who else should descend on them but Sikandar!! Faced by the ignonimy of being raped by the lamest individual on earth (especially so soon after they felt relief), the poor women give up. Banke Bihari then joins in the fun along with Sikandar. What a plan!! If only our economic policy-makers applied themselves with such astute analytical abilities, our nation would be much further than where it stands today. Sikandar's father, played by Alok Nath, is a do gooder who is the anti-thesis of his demonic son. On learning of his son's transgressions, he whips him in view of the villagers. We still haven't figured out how he procures a whip out of nowhere, but never mind.

Bunty: Supposedly the "leader" of a gang of college kids. Any respect the audience has for him is obliterated by his dead-pan acting, and his habit of inserting a solitary punjabi word into what is otherwise a perfectly legitimate hindi sentence. For eg. "Main apne doston ke naal aaya tha". (Hinjabi, anyone?). Most memorable is the scene where he greets the DCP with a "Good day, sir" in a supremely funny way that is unique. (Besides, who the FUCK ever says "Good day" ????)

Super-Inspector Vijay: Right from the first scene where Super-Inspector Vijay comes into the Comissioner's office with cheek's flapping (yes, they actually flap), Jai Kishan sets the standard in thespian efforts. His tour de force - the english monologue on receiving THE assignment alone is worth the price of admission to a PVR Gold Cinema - not in the least because of his amazing command on the English language (complete with his promise to solve the case in THAAATTTY days). The director certainly treats Mr. Kishan as the latest Mr. Badmaksh - in every scene he is present in, strangely inspriational music starts playing background!! (In unrelated news, a toddler's orchestra was hired to play "theme" music in Sharma and Sharma Combines latest production - 30 days). Super-Inspector Vijay is being pursued by two village "beauties" - Alok Nath's daughter Komal (who looks komal only if you are a Gorilla), and Raamu Kaaka's live daughter. Of course that is not surprising, seeing how sexy and handsome he is (again, if you are a Gorilla). We have no doubt he will solve the case in THAAAATY days.

Of course, as with all crime-capers, this one does have a "suspense" ending. The audience is left wondering why it took Super-Inspector Vijay Thaaaty days to figure out something that most of us were able to guess within 30 minutes of watching the movie. The climax is very very predictable, but still Badmaksh because of various elements - not the least of which is seeing Milind Gunaji dressed up as an Arab!

Needless to say Thaaaty days deserves more than a decko.

Jaalsaaz - The Ultimate Plot(hole)

After a shower of PB movies over the last month or so, this weekend saw the addition of two movies to the BBC Hall of Fame. The first of the two is Jaalsaaz, with an amazingly Badmaksh starcast
- Mukesh Khanna (of Shaktiman and "Bheeshma Pitaama" fame)
- Puneet Issar (of "Duryodhana" fame)
- Ronit Roy (potential superstar whose career flopped before he was even considered an actor - of "Jaan Tere Naam" fame)
- Madhoo (of "Roja" fame)
- Kamal Sadaanah (no fame)
- Producer - Surender "Kuku" Kapoor (of "Bhookha Sher" fame)

The film's intention of being a who-dun-it thriller is severely compromised by the fact that the DVD cover clearly shows Mukesh Khanna dressed in a mean looking black trenchcoat and hat. So much for a "who-dun-it".
Oh well, maybe the movie is a character-driven drama, you say? Here again, we are not disappointed. The main protagonist of the movie is a supposedly young and beautiful woman who sells her body so that her brother can lead a normal life. We would have bought that, if the actress playing her was either a) young, or b) beautiful. Her lover (the only one who doesn't pay for her services, i.e.) is played by a baby-faced Ronit Roy, who is some sort of Mahatma - he doesn't give a shit that the person he loves has been around the block quite a few times. While we are speaking of characters, let us not forget the Poetic Liftman - who waxes eloquent everytime he is given screentime. When lamenting his fate to a sympathetic Ronit Roy, he is told "Aap mahaan kavi nahin bane, par aap mahaan liftman zaroor banenge!" (Must remember that line when I'm giving my children a pep-talk).
Well, if its not a thriller or a character-driven drama, maybe its a compelling situational drama. Yes!! You would not be wrong there either - take for instance the movie's 2 astonishing court-room scenes. In court-room scene #1, we are treated to a court audience that feels obliged to give an Aamir-Sohail type commentary whenever there is a twist in the case. Of course, this scene also has the court audience laughing viciously at Monish Behl's claim that he is a pimp. Lastly, we are treated to the most successful lawyer of all time (played by Mukesh Khanna) constantly refusing to question the prosecution's witnesses. Lest you think that he is not a good lawyer- wait till you watch Court Scene #2!!! Yes, for here you see the true brilliance of Mukesh Khanna's abilities. Consider the following dialogue between Mukesh Khanna and a taxi driver

MK : Melaaaaard, mere client ke khilaaf gawahi jhoothi hai! Taxi-driver, aap kahte hain aapne mere client ko goli chalaate hue dekha hai. Us waqt aap kya kar rahe the?
Taxi driver: Ji, main taxi chala raha tha.
MK: Kitni speed par?
Taxi Driver: Ji, yehi koi 20-25 kmh par.
MK: Kaunse gear par?
Taxi Driver: (Wearing a puzzled look) Hain?
MK: KAUNSE GEAR PAR?!!!!
Taxi Driver: Ji, top gear.
MK: Melaaaaaard, point note kiya jaye, top gear par gaadi 20-25 km ki speed par nahin chalayi jaa sakti!!

Take that all you Law and Order fans! While Sam Watterston wastes his time working so hard on the DA's cases, our Mukesh Khanna can overturn point-blank testimonies with astute analysis about gear-speed ratios.
Ok fine, fine, you say. So what if Jaalsaaz is not part of a clearly-defined genre? Let us enjoy the movie on its own merits, ok? As you wish ... consider the following crucial plot-devices that make this movie Badmaaksh.
- A totally champak plan devised by Kamal Sadaanah, Ronit Roy, Madhoo and some sidey actor to protect a girl whose life is in danger from Mukesh Khanna. Firstly, they decide to carefully guard the girl in her hospital room at all times. Then, the sidey actor tells Mukesh Khanna about the vigil, and that the girl has been moved to a different room so that she is protected from the "killer". This sounds like a plot to get Mukesh Khanna to take the bait while these guys lie in wait to catch him, right??? WRONG!!! They actually moved ONLY THE GIRL and stayed in her original room! So MK could just take her away! What-a What-a
- A scene where Mukesh Khanna is shown to be fighting with himself inwardly, shown through a hilariously memorable mirror - reflection sequence.
- Ronit Roy saying to his mom "Woh Mrs. Rakesh kahelayegee" (ala "Bombay Girls")
- Another champak plan wherein some hoodlums who are interested in Madhoo mix some pills in Madhoo's and Kamal Sadaanah's Pepsi. What are their devious plans? Do they mean to beat up Kamal Sadaanah after he is weakened by this mysterious pill? Maybe they plan to have their way with Madhoo. However, nothing happens - all that Madhoo and Kamal do is become intoxicated and sing a song!!
- The most crazy and unexpected ending. Aha!! You snigger to me, "I told you it was a who-dun-it!" Relax, darling - the unexpected ending ... something that has not been ever tried in any Hindi movie before ... is that the main protagonist of the movie - our beautiful, young non-virginal lead character is freed from jail, taken to Ronit Roy's home, where she is accepted gleefully by her repentant soon-to-be mother-in-law ... on seeing all this, our heroine almost dies of happiness. Wait a minute - she ACTUALLY DIES OF HAPPINESS. Let me say this again, SHE DIES OF HAPPINESS!!!!#@%!%!W$!# (Take that, Usual Suspects!)

Complete text of the "Bhookha Sher" title song

Here is the complete text of the Bhookha Sher title song - it is an absolutely mind blowing song, dedicated to the great Dharam paaji. Anyways, for further details on this movie, read the blog entry below this one. For now, here are the awe inspiring lyrics. Oh ya, just one thing - the backdrop of this song is a black screen with a plastic flat hoarding of Dharmendra standing next to a very docile looking lion.

Here are the lyrics :-

Mard Sher koi garajta aayega,
Paapiyon ka naash karke jaayega!

Zulm ka itihaas jo mitaayega,
BHOOKHA SHER wahi to kehlaayega!

Jab jab Ravan zulm ki
Uthaata hai talwar,
Ram chale aate hain,
Lekar phir avatar!

Jaae naa bekar,
Maslum ki pukar,
Paap ka anth hoga,
Jaane hai sansar.

Atyaachar karne waala
Ik din maara jaayega!

Mard Sher koi garajta aayega,
Paapiyon ka naash karke jaayega!

Raat ke sannate mein
Abla koi lut ti hain
Aasmaan tharrata hai
Zameen kaamp uthti hai

Raat ke sannate mein
Abla koi lut ti hain
Aasmaan tharrata hai
Zameen kaamp uthti hai

Aah uthti aag
Bankar yoon barasti hai
Phir hukoomat zulm ki
Ek pal mein mit ti hain!

Dusht ko insaaf ki
Devi sazaa sunaaegi!

Mard Sher koi garajta aayega,
Paapiyon ka naash karke jaayega!

Zulm ka itihaas jo mitaayega,
BHOOKHA SHER wahi to kehlaayega!

Bhookha Sher!!!

If you EVER feel like the world is a joyless place that offers no hope, you owe it to yourself to go and rent Bhookha Sher. We saw it this previous weekend, and to say that this is one of the most stunning movies ever would be an understatement.

It stars Dharam paaji (who looks drunk as ever), as well as Sapna (Raatraani of "Raat Ki Baat" fame). The usual suspects - Kiran Kumar, Raza Murad, SHIVA (sporting a bald look!!), Amrit Pal (of Veeru Dada fame) - populate the frames of this movie. Of course, "movie" would be a very loose way of describing this edifice of rapes, superhuman retired brigadiers, half-dead cops and half-deader commissioners. As is common to recent Dharam paaji movies, there is an obligatory female Daaku as well. The icing on the cake is the name of the director - Surinder Kuku Kapoor.

Before you read on, I should make it clear that I do not in any way take rapes lightly, or find them amusing. However, the worringly barbaric treatment of women in such movies, while appalling, is probably a subject for more serious blogs.

Anyway, enough of seriousness ... on to some fun. Here is a general description of this movie's scenes
Scene 1: Ganga is being carried away by beanie-clad Shiva - who no doubt wants to rape her in his van (which looks suspiciously like a Police Van). However, he is foiled in his plans by half-dead commissioner #1.

Scene 2: Ganga is being chased by two thugs (one of them being a fat as hell Amrit Pal), who manage to outrun her despite being in less than prime physical condition. As they are about to rape her, they are foiled by Drunk Brigadier Ranvir Singh (the future Bhookha Sher!!!). The fight scenes that follow are possibly the best scenes you will ever see. If you do not fall down laughing on seeing Dharam paaji deliver his punches and head-butts, you can stop paying taxes, coz you are almost certainly dead.

Scene 3: Ganga, (who, having been almost raped twice in two scenes should know better) does an obligatory strip tease song for the village boys.

Scene 4: Amrit Pal (uske effort ki daad deni padegi), is dragging Ganga away for another attempted rape. At this juncture, he is foiled by the worst lead hero seen yet, Vijay. The weakling is thrown all over the place by Pal's Daaku Jaggu character, until he falls next to a rather badly painted form of Hanuman. Suddenly, he is filled with superhuman power, and demolishes Jaggu with as much ease as we humans swat flies. Ganga and Vijay promptly fall in love

At this point, I'd like to point out - in 3 out of 4 scenes so far, rape has been omnipresent ... and the heroine's name is Ganga. Why do I get the feeling that "Ganga Maili ho gayi" will be a dialogue at some point in the movie?

Scene 5: Amrit Pal finally gets his wish - he is able to successfully ravage Ganga. Not before he kills Sapna's bed-ridden mother in the worst sword stabbing scene ever shot ... and also not before he kills a very very random couple that tries to stop him (by simply rushing towards him with raised arms). Murders are not normally funny events, but the genius of this movie is that it somehow manages to make them unbelievably funny. Anyway, Jaggu rapes Ganga.

Scene 6: An angst ridden Ganga is walking down the street when a Maruti van picks her up forcibly. She is then supposedly raped by 4 individuals who are wearing socks on their heads. I say supposedly because, well, this is the most bewildering scene of the movie. When you see it, you'll know what I mean.

The movie now takes an unpredictable turn - after being ravaged and raped, Ganga becomes a Daaku!!!! Who would have thought that?

Anyway, in the course of some normal butt-kicking Dharam paaji kicks away at least 10 grenades, and grabs a bullet shot at him. All in a day's work for him, no doubt. He also throws all the gangsters in the police station, where we meet half-dead police Commissioner #2 - who seemingly has hair coming out of every orifice on his face. In all these scenes, Dharam paaji looks so drunk that he is barely able to stand.

If you still don't think this movie is badmaksh, I recommend you get a CAT scan. If still not convinced, consider the following

- Dharam paaji is only in 5-6 scenes, and still the movie is called Bhookha Sher (he being the Bhookha sher).
- The random couple who Jaggu kills before his rape of Ganga turns out to be Dharam paaji's parents - we have never seen them in the previous scenes, AND they look young enough to be Dharam paaji's kids!!! The back-cover of the DVD of the movie says that on learning about his parent's death, "The truth turns the Brigadier into a hungry, stalking tiger, out for revenge. Ganga turns into the dreaded wounded tiger." Talk about wishful thinking - before the news, Dharam paaji was a drunkard, and after the statement, he is a drunkard. If you ask me, it sounds like Kuku the director tried to get Dharam paaji to change his persona, but it fell on deaf (and no doubt drunk) ears.
- An excerpt from the back-cover "Meanwhile, Vijay comes as a police inspector in search of Ganga. On meeting the ferocious, utterly transformed Ganga, he requests her to turn herself over to the law...... Will Ganga succumb to the request?..... If she does, will she get justice?" .... need I say more?
- A fighting scene in which a side-hero dances between punches.
- Finally, and this has to be reserved for the last - a unique court scene, where the logistics of getting all the extras together must have exhausted Kuku Kapoor's immense directorial abilities. I don't want to give away anything more about this scene, but watch out for it.

You will not be disappointed by Bhookha Sher, I promise.

How to recognize a BBC (Badmaksh B Cinema)

Are your trips to the video rental store are filled with anxiety?

Do you have nightmares that the movie that you rented turns out to be a PEFAM instead of a BBC?

Is your sexual performance being affected because you haven't been able to pick out a truly Badmaksh movie in weeks?

If so, you probably feel like Chitrasen (played by the "incomparable" Shakti Kapoor) in O Meri Jaan (aLLias Bombay Girls). Before you look up and shout "GODDDDDD", here is an effective remedy (80% success rate**). We present tell-tale signs that will help you select BBC.

1) The title: V.V. important. We are yet to see a BBC movie that has a legitimate name. Badmaash No. 1, Bullet : Ek Dhamaka, Bombay Girls, Dhamkee: The Extortion .. you get the idea.

2) The DVD Front Cover: This is a ABSOLUTE MUST. The cover of a BBC movie almost always induces stomach cringing laughter. It is also important because it gives an insight into the other tell-tale BBC signs. Words cannot describe adequately the disbelief and joy of being alive that a BBC movie cover induces. Like paintings and other pristine forms of art, everyone's reaction to a BBC cover is different. Here are some examples that can convey more than I could ever say ..


3) The Back: BBC movies almost always have an amazingly funny story-line, but even funnier is the attempt to summarize the story at the back of the cover. It seems that compression of bad-logic does not result in less bad logic - it results in more! Which of course, is amazing for us BBC connoisseurs. If the summary has faulty English, then the accuracy of this tip increases from 70% to 95%. Again, as description of a piece of fine art is inherently subjective and prone to bias, I simply give you samples of descriptions - rather than telling you my impressions.

• Badmaash No. 1: Amrish Puri stars in and as Badmash No. 1. Ranjeet Singh is a devil minded person who simply knows how to take unfair and undue advantage of any given situation and therefore he is notorious.
• Dhamkee: The extortion: The tale highlights the plight of a businessman Jagannath Dholkiya who receives extortion threats from a notorious underworld goon Guru Sawant.Inspector Vijay Saxena foils Sawant's plan to kidnap Dholkiya's daughter Preeti. Sawant kidnap and kills Dholkiya's son. However, legal authorities announces prize money of Rs. 40 millions for Sawant's information and arrest. The goon persist with his evil intentions, separates the lovers and tries to get the Inspector Saxena transfered. Will the lovers unite despite the gangster's evil plots? Will the businessman triumph over the gangster or will he succumb to the extortion threat?
• Bombay Girls: No description whatsoever (which is just as well, because on watching, we realized that it is not possible to categorize a movie so great through mere words)
  

4) Former Mahabharata Actors: If the cover reveals an actor who seems familiar, the first question you should ask yourself is - did this actor act in the television series Mahabharata? If so, then you HAVE to pick up the DVD right away. BBC movies are almost exclusively the domain of actors who graced the B.R. Chopra series. It is a credit to BBC directors that only they appreciate the good looks, supreme thespian skills and dynamic screen personalities of these actors. Of course it is even more of a credit to people like me who appreciate these directors .. but we shall leave that discussion for a later date.

5) Item Song: No BBC movie can exist without an item song. If there is no item song within the first 15 minutes of the movie, STOP and remove the DVD before it causes some harm to the player! What is an item song? Well, the song has to be shot in a wannabe disco, pub etc. - basically a place no self-respecting city-dweller would go even if paid 10000000 dollars to go. There HAVE to be revolving disco lights, hilarious extras. The lead girls usually have horrible faces and unremarkable figures (but that doesn't stop them from wearing skimpy clothes). Sometimes some unsavory characters are included in the mix for fun. Of course, dance moves are totally memorable.

Well, remember to use these tips in conjunction with each other. No single tip can alone guarantee success (except tip no. 4). Good Luck!

** Success rate ascertained by BS Polling Services. Actual success rate may vary from person to person. Baba Bhataknath Naam Hai Mera (BBNHM) enterprises assumes no responsibility for this statistic. Any legal action taken against BBNHM will be subject to filming by Genda Bapa Productions as part of their new movie Adaalat: The Lawsuit.

The elusive search for badmaksh movies

Having become veterans of atleast 5 badmaksh movies, it is clear to us that there are different kinds of movies.

1) A Genuinely Good Movie (GGM) - intended to be good, and ends up being good. Example would be braveheart, gladiator, shawshank redemption.

2) Badmaksh A Domain (BAD) - a movie that has a big budget, intends to be serious, but for a variety of reasons ends up being a farce and is thoroughly enjoyable for that reason. Rudraksh is the most striking example of this genre, and Chor Machaye Shor is also up there in the BAD hall of fame.

3) Badmaksh B Cinema (BBC) - don't let the "B" fool you. This genre is in no way inferior to genre A. This is a movie made for degenerates, by degenerates. It includes typical B-grade movie actors or failed TV stars and wannabe actresses with hot bodies and not much else. Badmaash no. 1 and Dhamkee: The Extortion are classic examples. These movies are hilarious beyond belief, what with ridiculuous plots, superb hamming and incredibly desperado scenes.

4) Pathetic Excuse For A Movie (PEFAM) - This movie is made with undoubtedly good intentions, but it is neither good nor laughable. Identifiers of such movies include constant headaches, inability to understand what the director/producer was thinking, and a major hangover after watching the movie (that results from the realization that one has wasted 2 hours of one's life on such crap). Another frequent sign is trying your hardest to laugh at the stupid scenes, but not being able to elicit anything more than a "HA", followed by the afore-mentioned hangover. There are too many movies in this genre, but Love in Nepal (from what I've heard) is undoubtedly the foremost PEFAM movie that comes to mind.

5) Purely Badmaksh (PB) - And last but not the least, the King of all Badmaksh movies. This movie could be similar to a BBC or a BAD, with one important qualifier - every moment of this movie is Badmaksh. There are too many scenes that leave you cringing your stomach, or holding your head in amazement. A good way to tell if a movie is PB is through the "Sandwich test". When beginning to view the movie, make yourself a sandwich. If you are unable to finish eating the sandwich by the time the movie is over (because your mouth is constantly open with amazement or laughter), then the movie is certainly PB. The most glittering example of this genre is Khanjar - The Knife. However, the movie that made us aware of this genre also deserves notice - Bombay Girls.

In subsequent posts, we shall document how to recognize a BAD or a BBC or a PB at the video rental, so as to avoid as much contact with PEFAMs as possible.

The beginning: Chor Machaye Shor and Khushi

These were the 2 movies that first gave us a taste of the badmaksh world. Although we never refer to specific incidents in these movies anymore, we do have fond memories of watching them.
Here are some salient features:

Khushi

• Amrish "Badmash Ranjit Singh" Puri beating up a rickshaw driver (which itself was funny) ... in the middle of marine drive!
• kareena getting pissed off when fardeen stares at her stomach
• fardeen opening his heart out about kareena to a random person from a village (amrish puri) who turns out to be her dad ... and who says that whoever this woman is has to be a "gadhe ki aulad" ... thus calling himself a gadha
• some guy making a funny face by raising his eyebrows ... v v v funny .. and this i think was the first time we ever paused a movie and fell off the sofa laughing .... to be repeated many times in rudraksh and badmash

Chor Machaye Shor

• millions of low blows delivered by Bobby deol to the various villains
• bipasha basu playing "inspector ranjita" ... just the very idea is funny
• paresh rawal as acp ... hes quite funny
• shekhar suman dressed as a woman
• shekhar suman shaving while dressed as a woman
• shekhar suman saying that "she" shaves everyday when caught shaving while dressed as a woman
• bipasha basu/shilpa shetty (cant remember which one) believing shekhar suman saying that "she" shaves everyday when caught shaving while dressed as a woman
• the great title song - CHOOOOOOOORRRR MACHAAAYE SHOOOOORRRRRR

another thing to mention -- both bipasha basu and the late great amrish puri star in 2 of the badmaksh movies, and are hence the undisputed king and queen of the badmaksh world.

Brett Piper: Not quite pure gold

Arachnia:
10 Fangs
8 Legs
2 Claws
1 Bad Attitude

Doesn't that say it all? Okay if it doesn't then ...
firstly why we got this movie ... mr dinesh had an urgent need to go to the bathroom .. and when we read this on the cover of the dvd we could not resist... so we just picked it up .. what followed was described by some as "pure gold" .. we didnt think it was THAT gr8 but worth a watch nonetheless.
Some moments:

• The scene with all the choppers etc which piper stole from somewhere
• The above mentioned scene again - the quote "Your not saluting a senior officer son"
• Some hot lesbian scenes
• That pissing off guy getting killed
• They keep calling the spiders bulletproof and then shooting at them

We then undertook deeper investigation to find that Brett Piper had a movie called "Nymphoid Barbarians in Dinosaur Hell" which chabbir and me got for dineshs 21st bday .. and chabbir got me "Maniac Nurses in Ecstacy" which is produced by the same company: TROMA Releases. We are going to watch them at some point in the future .. that is when we will blog them

Naah hero no. 1, naah coolie no. 1, yeh hai film no. 1

While it was Rudraksh that gave rise to this cult of ours, it was another movie that made us aware that there is an entirely new genre of movies that we never appreciated before. While Rudraksh was the seed, this movie was the soil, the fertilizer. In fact, half of the name Badmaskh comes from this. The movie is Badmaash No. 1. Never heard of it? Well, we hadn't either, until that fateful day in Bombay Music House, Berkeley. We were looking for a movie to rent, when we heard Kunal laughing hysterically. He held up a DVD, and said "we have got to watch this". The cover itself was just amazing - we knew then, that we had found a gem. The back cover revealed more treasures - here is an excerpt.

Amrish Puri in & as Badmash No1. Ranjeet Singh is a devil minded person who simply knows how to take unfair and undue advantage of any given situation and therefore he is notorious for being Badmash No1.

The words devil minded revealed that this was exactly the degenerate movie that we were looking for. After considerable debate as to who will actually rent it (we were too embarassed to take it up to the counter), we finally got it. It didn't disappoint us. Memorable things include:

• Fighting for "Yeh Taaj", the crown that Amrish Puri has. Inside some crude cage, in god knows what era, Ranjeet Singh's brother fights people who want the crown.
• The unique weaponry used - there is a weird sort of sword / saw which is obviously made of cardboard with silver wrapping. Bad props aside, none of us has ever even seen a weapon of this calibre. Has to be seen to be believed.
• The title song, which seems like it is shot in a different time as compared to the rest of the movie. This has given rise to the belief that the movie was shot long ago, abandoned, and then repackaged with the song at a much later time. Nevertheless, its one mystery that still evokes considerable laughter among us.
• The main protagonist, Sanjay, who enters with the line "Mujhe mummy ne bheja hai", and is promptly recognized, as if that is his calling card.
• The jungle vigilante, Sheru - who happens to be a horse.
• The hero's father, who looks like a bus conductor from interior Tamil Nadu.
• The one-armed teacher
• The song which has the heroine singing in her towel, and the hero ogling like a retarded child - quite a scene.
• Of course, who can forget the memorable Jyotishi, who claims that Ranjeet Singh will die in six months. Ranjeet Singh then kills him and claims that the Jyotishi's life will be added to Ranjeet's life.
• The villian with the lightning bolt on his face - who is employed by Ranjeet Singh when all else fails. He is supposed to be a devious mastermind, and certainly looks like the kind of depraved person you would expect in such a movie. His amazing plan involves painting a nude portrait of Aruna Irani (without her knowing), the hero's mother. She foils his devious plan by tying a Rakhi on his hands, thus making him her brother who has to protect her. Quite fascinating I tell you. Of course, he goes on to prove his devotion by saving her from acid in her bathtub - after looking at her QUITE suggestively for what seems like ages.

Anyway, this movie is the second glimpse of heaven afforded to us. With every new movie we watch, we are slowly realizing that we won't get any further glimpses .. but that won't stop us from trying. Of course, this movie has another charm - all efforts to purchase it have been unsuccessful. More on that later ... for now, I would say, if you want to appreciate why we have smiles on our faces in the worst of times, please see the two movies - Rudraksh and Badmaash No. 1. Your lives will never be the same again.

Rudraksh - The Greatest Movie of All

Rudraksh - this movie changed our lives forever. Words cannot begin to describe the incredible experience ... as we held our stomachs with tears in our eyes, we knew that we had seen heaven on Earth. For days, weeks, and now months, this movie has dominated our discussions. We are endeared to those wonderful characters - Bhuria, Lali, Suzy, Dr. Gayatri, and of course "the red guy". Here are some brilliant moments from the movie :-
Cul's appearance as a rat - saying "rudraksham ..."
The Mortal Kombat scene - "bhai mujhe mat maro ... " "bhai bhai ko hi maarta hai"
The sexual tension between Kabir Bedi and Sanjay Dutt
"Lankaaaaaaaaaaaa"
"PUT YOUR HANDS UP - CMON!"
Numerous appearances by Windows Media Player
The red guy...

Ok please post more Rudraksh gem's (note the pun ;) ) as and when you'll remember them.